commercial break #1

So, okay, I need kind of a commercial break. 

This commercial break is not really a commercial. I have been told to pour everything that I want to share in a diary—since I don't have a real diary, I'll use this blog, my safe haven's blog.

I honestly don't know how and where should I start this post with.

Apparently, I have been experiencing what it is called depression. It is hard to believe that I have always seemed to know what I am doing but I was wrong—all this time.

I don't know what I am doing or what should I do next? What thing I love the most to do and/or what thing I want to develop more in me.

I have tried to dig my old hobbies; writing, reading—yes it's helping me a bit but it keeps coming back.

It's like...
This thing never left.

I am a Muslim. My family taught me about things; our beliefs but it won't help me in times like this. It feels like I have lost so many things; so many opportunities.

Yes, I regret and not regret of things that happened to my life at the moment. It's something I don't understand, to be honest.

Sometimes, I felt like there is pain in my chest. I felt like something crushed my heart and I don't even know why and what that is; the next thing I knew, I'd cry. Trying to let everything out of my system, my body.

Did it leave?
Yes, it left. For a short period.

But then it will come back and attack me suddenly.

I seek for help but my mom doesn't want me to go to a professional helper, instead, she wants me to pray to God.

I can't. I tried. I just can't.

And they seem to not understand it.